a letter i (wish i) wrote to myself five years ago
Updated: Oct 25, 2020
Even if you have changed from how you once were, even if you lose a part of you that you thought you could never live without, even if the world disappoints you there is more - more. More to love and be passionate about. If your plant dies months from now, you should remember that it wasn't because you were incapable of taking care of it, you gave it a name, you nurtured it - if anything you loved it too much. Maybe if you understood what enough meant, you wouldn't have a hard time knowing when to stop watering it. But you shouldn't let the death of a single sapling stop you from throwing yourself over the soft edges of your comfort zone.
Don't pretend to drown yourself in the sickly sweet honey-scented pools of happiness just so that you can come out looking yellow. Maybe someday you will find someone whose happiness isn't the shade of the sun, maybe they will teach you that it's okay to be a little blue. And when they mix, you will discover that lavender isn't just a scent to you anymore and that the sunflowers have lost their allure. You will learn that there's always a little blue tinting the frame of your glasses and no matter how many times you attempt to wipe this away it will not leave. And slowly, this stain is just like your nose, sometimes you look ahead and you can barely see it And when it does taint your vision, all you see is lilac.
You will feel like throwing your hands up and letting the world take its course or whatever other bullshit notion you have naively chosen. You have all these beliefs that you will break. The seemingly obvious distinction between the blacks and whites, the rights or wrongs will morph into a greying mass that will attempt to chain itself to your ankle. All you have to do is remember that you are not shackled to anything, rather this is shackled to you. And should you feel like it, you can hack away at it with rocks all you want.
All you have to do is remember, remember that you might not succeed but you sure as hell can try to live a hopeful life in the face of intractable uncertainty.
(ps. i hope you make it)