it's inevitable that you become too big for some things. but there are some things i refuse to give up, no matter how minuscule. i refuse to part with my stuffed toys from years ago, i fully intend to fill my suitcases with them when i leave. but i will gladly leave behind the baggage of despondence i lugged around for years.
we are both outgrowing our old selves and growing up. we're on the precipice of leaping headfirst into the next chapter. i am hesitant to turn those pages for i am afraid i won't visit the previous ones again. so i will etch every stolen glance, every stifled giggle, all the times we laughed till we cried and cried till someone made us laugh into the brightest parts of my memories.
a friend said to me "lavender seems too young. there is too much childhood there." they told me red was better suited to me now. red like the apples of our cheeks when we grin from ear to ear. red like the destruction i once left behind, but also the red that makes us yearn for passion and love.
i outgrew a color.
i grew up, no i am growing up.
but i still don't think i am ready to outgrow my people yet. my people, the people who create art, who acknowledge their beauty, the friend who is unapologetically honest, the family that cries at the thought of parting ways, the friend who only wants to see me happier than ever, the brother who refuses to leave me alone, the strangers that look up from their phone and smile a reassuring smile, the teachers who pour their heart and soul into their work.
there are some things you will never outgrow, your comfort blankets, your safety nets. but there are some things you are better without. with eighteen years of life, all i can pray for is to be able to tell the difference - to be the correct kind of red.